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| ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD
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| I'm scared to continue with school because I don't want to let people down again. I'm scared because I know I will and it's the worst feeling in the world. I'm tired of letting people down but I know I will and it's daunting.
And I'm also scared to go to to work because I've always been so unstable with my jobs and my work ethic is shit and I don't want to keep being so unstable but I can't help it, I've tried to change and...I know I have to change and it's scary...
And I'm afraid of getting hurt, because I know that the more I like this guy the more I'll push him away and I dunno, I really dig him and that is fucking scary.
I'm pretty much just scared to shit of rejection and of being a letdown. I'm mainly scared because I know I am a letdown and I know I will be rejected, and hurt in the end.
It's such a stupid feeling. I hate it.
And whats worse is how fucking vulnerable I feel.
And what happens when I get older? What happens when I'm not young and beautiful anymore? What happens when I'm all used up? For what I'm worth- which isn't much...
Will somebody, somewhere, still love me when I'm no good anymore?
Will somebody, somewhere, even love me at all?
Or maybe I am too loved...I'm beautiful, pretty. I'm kind. They flock to me, but get bored quick as I don't seem to have much aside from a pretty face and a gentle voice.
It's alright, though.
Somebody, someday, will listen to what I actually have to say and respect it. Someone will want me for more than my looks...Right? People like that exist, don't they?
Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Maybe I've had the opportunity, and maybe I've lost it. I do stupid things, a lot. I push people away when I need them most. And I'm not just saying that, I really do push people away. I don't accept the help because I am afraid of being a letdown. I'm afraid I'll never be good enough but I won't accept help and I wont accept guidance even though guidance is what I need most and direction...All I am is a broken thought and a run-on sentence.
I'm pushing him away now because I'm afraid I may fall for this man.
Sorry.
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| My dancing was brought up today by this guy I'm sorta really kinda maybe into.
He stumble upon a weird blog I was kind of but not really writing in...I deleted it now, but I forgot it was out there floating around. I don't know what he read, but he asked me if I danced for money. Haha! Me? A showgirl? Never!
Well, maybe a little.
I was totally thrown into a nostalgic fit.
I moved out of my parents place at 15. It was pretty much a gong show there, always. I figured I'd drop out, aswell, and just work my way to the top. Yannow, real smart, right. I didn't really know what to do, or how to even live my life. I didn't really know how to pay bills or any of that. I did it, though, but I fell into some hard habits. Anyways!
I remember, back then, (actually about a year ago) I came home one night from dancing and my room mate was up on the roof playing guitar. I climbed up the shabby, broken down apartment ladder to the roof of our 100+ year old West End apartment with some beers and sat next to him. He played guitar and I sang. People yelled at us out of their windows, it was about 3 in the morning. We didn't care. We finished our beers and climbed down the shotty ladder back into our apartment and I went to my bedroom and fell asleep. I woke up, garter and all, and took a cold shower.
I decided I wanted a normal job and that I was sick of the party scene.
That's when I kissed the so called good life goodbye.
I ended up moving a few months later, somewhere cheaper and farther from downtown. I started working at a coffeeshop. I stopped hanging out with a lot of people and I guess I lost touch with a lot of good connections, because now, as I sit here and write this, I feel lonely.
How Id love to go back in time and fix the things I fucked up for good...
But for now, I'll just work, finish my damn schooling,
Fuck the rest.
I gotta go watch a FEAST 2 now...So, ta.
Kiss kiss.
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| I just realized how shitty and lame my blog is.
Whatever. I just post on this shit to bitch about my life, anyways. :D
I saw a blog on the front page of Xanga saying:
"I'm a Pro-Lifer, But I Have To Have an Abortion
For all of my adult life I have been a pro-life advocate, and I still am. I recently found out that I was pregnant… "
...And I had to pretty much laugh my ass off.
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